FUGAZZA Diaries

 SO.... I have had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Whether it was triggered by the loss of my cousin back when I was 11, or even beforehand, when I would experience chronic stomach aches because I hated my second grade teacher. Either way, chronic depression and anxiety have been one of my personal battles for pretty much my entire life.  So, let me start with sharing what I did wrong...for most of my life. And then, I will share with you what I am currently doing, that is working for me. It's a work in progress, and I know that this will be a struggle for me for my entire mortal sojourn, but finding methods that work, has been life changing.  What I did wrong... I ate. A lot. I clearly remember the day that I consciously ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese by myself in one sitting AS A SNACK. I was sixteen years old at the time, and luckily, I had youth and a great metabolism on my side, but I clearly remember thinking that I needed to numb my ...

 I read a comment on Facebook the other day, and it plunged my thoughts into meditation on a very fitting and very important topic for this 2020 year, and for the Christmas season.  In a nutshell, to paraphrase what I read, spells out the interesting fact that helping others and receiving help from others are compatible with each other. Meaning, in order to fully understand service to others, you should be okay with receiving service for yourself.  So, this simple thought made me think deeply about why it is so hard for me personally, to accept help. Why do I make life so much harder for myself that I can't admit that I need others to step in and do things for me? There seem to be a few reasons for this: Firstly, I think that our society pushes us to either be ultra independent, or ultra dependent on family and others, and there is no emphasis on the in between. There are SO many ways to DIY our lives or just call and have someone take care of things for a reasonable pric...

 Today was the day that I have been looking forward to/dreading for eleven years. Today was the day that my firstborn girl turned 11 years old. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't it exciting that she's getting older? Yes, that's true, but the reason why I dreaded this day, has unearthed emotions and memories for me that are kind of hard to digest. Let me explain:  This day not only is the day that my daughter turned 11, nor is it the day that we celebrate those that served and fought for our freedom in the military, but this day was also the birthday of a very special person that left this earth far too soon.  Her name was Kristen Nielsen. She was my cousin and very best friend. Her birthday and my daughter's birthday are the same, and there's a very special thing to that, because Kristen died when she and I were both eleven years old.  It is because of this parallel, that I struggle with today. You see, as happy and as wonderful as it was to celebrate my daughter'...

 Have you been so completely disappointed in shows lately? And then, because of COVID, the movie theaters and movies that I have been so looking forward to are being pushed back to 2021 (we hope!), makes it even more depressing. So, about four years ago, I realized that one of the reasons why my depression/anxiety was so bad (I've had it all my life), was because I would mindlessly watch whatever. I was mindful of movie ratings, but for the most part, if the rating was acceptable, then whatever in it was 'acceptable'. But after a time, I started to experience weird mood swings, my thoughts were going to dark and weird places and my overall mood was affected. And, to make it even more interesting; I was managing my father's movie theater at the time, and so movies were free, and I would watch whatever was playing, because...why not, right? FREE!! Anyway, after a steady diet of whatever I was watching, I finally had a "Come to Jesus" moment with myself. I starte...

Wow! A ten year hiatus from writing on my diary blog! That must be some kind of record.  I have looked at the few entries I made from back when my G was a baby...and now she's almost 11! It is so true the saying, 'the days are long but the years are short'. So precise! Since I have been gone for ten years, I have also had another beautiful baby girl, who is six! Little S is a sassy, sweet and overly affectionate child. She's the girl that loves mermaids, unicorns, princesses and anything sparkly. After only knowing G as the sporty and low maintenance kid, S has been new territory. They are both such a blessing to me in my life, and I love them with all my heart.  So, I have since had a change of heart myself! What with it being 2020 (that number alone should inspire reasons as to why I have decided to start up my blog again, considering how CRAZY this year is!), I wanted to use this blog as more of a reach out to the world with my thoughts. I am known on my other social...

Giada has finally got a full little chicklet smile on the front of her mouth! She cut the two top front teeth just a couple of days ago. However, I believe that there are more coming in, because other than being her cute and happy self, she's been a little extra fussy (and drool-y). Her favorite thing to do? Try to bite Mom and Dad's noses and cheeks! She thinks it's hilarious when we pull away in pain. And don't even get me started on the cat. The poor thing gets tufts of fur yanked out every day. It's also a good thing that her tail is so firmly attached. How do we know that for sure? Gia's tried to pull it off, almost every day. Poor cat. But, before you go feeling too sorry for her, just remember that the cat holds her own. She's pawed and pounced on Gia a number of times to let her know whose still the boss at the house (or at least that's what she believes. That's okay...a delusional cat is a happy cat). On another note, Giada's palate f...

Now that Giada's eating solids, there have been many exciting new tastes that she has enjoyed. Her favorite dinner foods include chicken nuggets, peas, and small tastes of a cookie. For breakfast? Cheerios, sucking and biting on a piece of bagel, and homemade apple sauce. Now, as far as lunch goes, she just snacks on things, like cheese (which she LOVES; not only is she the spitting image of Rob, but also adores cheese like her father), crackers, and apparently, CAT FOOD. I can't even tell you how many times I see her hovering around the cat food dishes. Now, you are probably asking yourself, "What kind of a mother would leave out the cat's food dishes for the baby to find?" Oh, okay, so first of all, whoever is thinking that, they either have never had a child, or they no longer live on this planet because they are PERFECT. I have taken the dishes away, and swept and mopped my floors, but apparently, Giada still seems to find a disgusting fish, chicken or beef f...