Today was the day

 Today was the day that I have been looking forward to/dreading for eleven years. Today was the day that my firstborn girl turned 11 years old.

Isn't that wonderful? Isn't it exciting that she's getting older? Yes, that's true, but the reason why I dreaded this day, has unearthed emotions and memories for me that are kind of hard to digest. Let me explain: 

This day not only is the day that my daughter turned 11, nor is it the day that we celebrate those that served and fought for our freedom in the military, but this day was also the birthday of a very special person that left this earth far too soon. 

Her name was Kristen Nielsen. She was my cousin and very best friend. Her birthday and my daughter's birthday are the same, and there's a very special thing to that, because Kristen died when she and I were both eleven years old. 

It is because of this parallel, that I struggle with today. You see, as happy and as wonderful as it was to celebrate my daughter's birth today, I watched her cute little eleven year old self, and I realized, to my horror, that I was that same age, that kind of cute little girl, when my cousin and best friend died. And then my innocent and happy-go-lucky view of life was forever changed. Flipped on its head. Gone forever. 

So my hugs to my daughter today were many, and were very tight. My birthday wish to her was that she will still see good in the world, even when there seems to be an increase in so much bad. My heart ached for her when she smilingly and happily shared that her closest friends sent her birthday wishes. I am happy for her and for her happiness, and I am simultaneously still mourning the loss of my eleven year old self, all those years ago, when life suddenly became so very real at the loss of a loved one. 

We can't let the darkness get us. Life has so much good, so much laughter and happiness and joy in it, and it's even more poignant in these turbulent times. Losing my cousin was and is still such a big deal to me, because it was the hinge point of my life. It changed my scenery and journey for several years, as I mucked my way through darkness and despair, at a devastatingly young and vulnerable time.

BUT...I had angels in my path, the entire time. The Lord doesn't leave us, and I am proof of that. No matter how hard my depression or my anxiety has been over these years, whether it was through no medication or through medication adjustments, or finally finding the 'sweet spot' of the magical dosage, to lifestyle changes and acceptance that I am just not going to be completely healed at this time in my life; I realize now that I'm really okay. I have learned to love myself the way that I am, and I work so hard to make sure that my girls will be able to do the same. 

I plead with those of you that are struggling to even just make it every day, to keep up the struggle. I know how tiring it is, and how extremely painful it can all be. But you can do it. I know you can. Jesus went through it, so He could really say, "I know how you feel. Let me help you." 

Let Him help you. Let Him love you. Let Him change you, and alleviate the pain and suffering you know all too well. It will all feel lighter, more livable. He will carry your burden with you, and it will be a lighter load. 

God wins. He is triumphant. And you can be, too.