Depression is the Enemy

 SO....

I have had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Whether it was triggered by the loss of my cousin back when I was 11, or even beforehand, when I would experience chronic stomach aches because I hated my second grade teacher. Either way, chronic depression and anxiety have been one of my personal battles for pretty much my entire life. 

So, let me start with sharing what I did wrong...for most of my life. And then, I will share with you what I am currently doing, that is working for me. It's a work in progress, and I know that this will be a struggle for me for my entire mortal sojourn, but finding methods that work, has been life changing. 

What I did wrong...

I ate. A lot. I clearly remember the day that I consciously ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese by myself in one sitting AS A SNACK. I was sixteen years old at the time, and luckily, I had youth and a great metabolism on my side, but I clearly remember thinking that I needed to numb my pain. And food was getting me there. And so, for the next several years, that's what I did. I always loved to cook and bake, and I have a killer sweet tooth (no pun intended). I self medicated with food to numb my pain as I navigated through loneliness, low self-esteem and no motivation. 

Fast forward to college: I finally decided that maybe I needed to seek out professional help. I bravely went to the school psychologist, where I talked (read that as cried), my way through a couple of sessions, before I arrogantly decided that I was 'cured' and didn't need any more sessions with the guy. He talked me into taking an anti-depressant (which I accepted and took off and on for a year or so), but then I stopped seeing him, and really, any other therapist, for most of my life. 

When I was twenty one, I decided to serve a mission for my church. I was assigned to serve in Brazil, and for the first few months, I told myself that I couldn't handle learning the new language and way of life and being away from home (I was a chronic homebody), and I was going to go home "tomorrow". That was my mantra until one day, the language made sense, and I found purpose in what I was doing. So, I stayed. I still struggled, but I thrived with a people that I could relate to, and the language seemed to come easier to me than my High School Spanish :)

After my mission, I got married, did not continue to medicate with pills, but with food. I gained a TON of weight the first five to six years of marriage. I became glucose intolerant (the gateway to type 2 diabetes), and even though my husband and I wanted kids, my health was compromising my fertility. 

Finally, in 2007, I got the lap band weight loss surgery procedure done. I very quickly lost over 60 pounds, and in 2009, I got pregnant with my first child, and gestational diabetes-complete with insulin shots-made the time difficult.

Even though I loved my child, motherhood was HARD for me, and my depression reared its ugly head (not to mention sleep deprivation does NOT help). I, unfortunately was unable to fully enjoy my baby for a LONG while, because my depression was in the way. I also felt like I couldn't take the anti-depressants, because I breastfed, and I didn't want anything to affect my child. So, unmedicated and struggling, and unable to eat as much as I wanted because of my lap band, I had a really tough time. 

On top of that, my little family struggled financially, which did NOT help things. My daughter finally slept through the night (after nearly TWO full years of sleeping for maybe four hours at a time...she still has a hard time sleeping), and I finally felt like I wasn't drowning in life. 

My diet improved, though! I was eating healthier and trying to be a little more active. I HATED to exercise, and, not to throw my parents under the bus (because seriously, I am an adult), I didn't grow up doing daily exercise (more like water skiing on the weekends and snow skiing in the winter was the most consistent workout that we did, though we did have a swimming pool in our backyard, and played basketball with cousins in occasion). I didn't exercise daily, so the weight just stayed on, even with the lap band keeping me from bingeing. 

After about three and a half years, I decided to brave the bullet and get pregnant again. I did so, and almost immediately, my blood sugars were through the roof. With gestational diabetes yet again, I even had to start insulin shots earlier than my first pregnancy. At 35 years of age, I was feeling that this would be my last pregnancy, which my OB reluctantly also confirmed to me. My body just wasn't handling pregnancy well, and so my second daughter, was also my last baby. 

However, my girls were happy and healthy, and I couldn't complain. After having children, my family moved to Hawaii to live with my parents, while I helped with the family business, and my husband finished school. It was a VERY busy time for me. Between managing a small movie theater, and cleaning vacation rentals and babysitting on the side to make ends meet, my health was HORRIBLE. I ate whatever was easiest to get, and my stress levels were ridiculously high. I had reached my breaking point, and just kept going. 

Finally, a couple of years later, I had a very frank, very simple conversation with my friend (who was also my doctor), about how my mental health was doing. I told him that I had been medicated before, but I felt like I was doing okay, and didn't need a pill to help me out. He listened without judgement, but after I tearfully explained that I was just overwhelmed and my "drowning" feelings would eventually subside, he lovingly said, "Melissa, if taking one pill every day made you feel like you could tread water instead of always drowning, wouldn't it be worth it?" That made me stop. It made me think about how much struggle and effort and energy I was using to just keep my head above the water. 

I want to emphasize that my doctor is not a 'happy pill' kind of doctor. He doesn't believe in just prescribing pills for every little thing. He listened to me and understood that I was chronic; that I had been struggling for years, and even with lifestyle changes, I was still struggling. He encouraged me to try the medication route again. And so I did. I accepted the lowest dose of the drug that was possible. 

And guys...IT. MADE. ALL. THE. DIFFERENCE.

Does a pill solve my problems? Nope! But, it HELPED me to solve my own problems. I was finally able to shove my head about the waters of life, take a deep breath, and assess my situation. I can't even tell you how much that has changed my life. 

Now, we live in a wonderful place, with wonderful, supportive people. Our financial situation has improved, and so has my health. I have made exercise a part of my life since last summer (I still hate it, though, but MAN, does it help my mood...and my body), and I try my best to eat better. 

BUT...I am kind to myself. I acknowledge that Rome wasn't built in a day, and I am-and always will be-a work in progress. Do I make mistakes? Yep. But, I give myself a break. Because seriously, I have spent way too many years beating myself up mentally and physically, and I deserve better.

So, what triggered this post? Well, I had to attend a webinar about depression in order to get $$ deposited into my HSA account, and some cool things were shared. I decided that I was more than ready to share my experiences about depression and anxiety, and I wanted to include some of the tips from this webinar that I felt were really important. Also, it's 2020. 'Nuff said :)

The first thing to share, is to BREATHE. I mean, deeply. From your gut. My little daughter had a panic attack earlier this year, and her therapist taught her to breathe deeply enough from her tummy, that it would push off a stuffed animal if it was laying on her stomach. It made such a huge difference. 

Second, and I can't emphasize this enough, force yourself to do what you really don't feel like doing, that is for your benefit. It could be taking a shower, exercising (ugh), going for a walk, cleaning out that closet, etc. I had been feeling really off over the past few days, and finally, I decided that I needed to just go through and clean my whole house, and it made me feel so much better. Depressed people usually don't feel like doing much, but do it, anyway. I promise it will help.

Third, eat well, but don't punish yourself. I have spent the better part of my life overweight, but I have been my happiest (and healthiest), when I have NOT been in diet mode, but just more conscientious about what I'm eating. Eat a cookie, not the whole batch. Get those fruits and vegetables in, and treat your body like a machine that needs to work for a long time, not as a dumpster or trash compactor.

Also, don't keep junk food in your house. I read this amazing book once that says that literally, the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" works with food. It really does. 

When you do have junk food, enjoy it, but don't feel like you need to eat it all. Repurpose it, or throw it away. I know, I know, I grew up with parents that didn't approve of wasting food, but it's better if it's in the trash, than destroying you. It really is. 

Pay attention to your body. Listen to it. Are you really hungry, or just bored, or something else is triggering your emotions, and you cope with food. Hunger pangs come and go. 'Emotional hunger' rides you until you give in to the impulse. Distract yourself. 

Fourth, REST! The lady on this webinar said, "Cars are smarter than people. When they run out of gas, they stop." We run ourselves ragged, and then we collapse. We get sick. We have breakdowns. We need to give ourselves a break, whatever that is. When I find myself taking a quick nap in the afternoon, I don't feel guilty. My body needed it. 

Fifth, and this is the most important one. SEEK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT. Especially with mental health, we need to realize that we should be pursuing a village mentality of our lives, and not living in solitude. Ask for help from friends. Let them watch your kids or bring you a meal when you just can't handle life. Call a friend or family member to talk about what you're feeling. Have a 'pajama day' and just relax instead of being 'on it' all of the time. 

And, if counseling, medication or whatever else is needed, DO IT. Life is already hard and painful enough to have you feel like you have to drag yourself through it. For me, medication was the magic ingredient. But, I also have to exercise, eat healthy and give myself time outs to balance things out. I don't just take a pill to do it, but it's part of a piece of my puzzle of wellness. Find out what pieces you are missing, and move heaven and earth to get them. 

Lastly, know that you are loved. So loved. At least, there is a God that loves you, and He wants you to be happy. That's His entire purpose for you, I know it. Praying, reading scriptures and serving others contributes GREATLY to my depression and anxiety treatment. It makes all the difference. 

A few more small things that help me:

A light therapy lamp for winter time. They're super affordable (Amazon has them for about $30), and I just sit in front of one every morning for about thirty minutes, and my energy levels are up. It's great. 

When you are stressed and overwhelmed, place your hand on your forehead and take some deep breaths. I also like to close my eyes. This helps to calm you down, and drop your cortisol levels. Super easy and super helpful. 

For an extra boost, watch 'Power Poses' by Ann Cuddy on 'Ted Talks", to 'fake it 'til you make it' with encouragement and confidence.

Visit nami.org for more help with mental health issues.

And honestly, reach out to me, if you need to chat. I promise I will listen and I won't judge you. And on that note, I am most grateful to those out there that have done just that with me. There are many of you, and you have made all the difference in the world to me on this journey of mental health survival. Thank you, and I love you. 

Here's to 2021...may it be a heck of a lot happier than 2020 :)